shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
