My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
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