If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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