Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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