Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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