I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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