Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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