My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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