I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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