The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
