the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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