I only kidnapped one of them. chill
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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