i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
