You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
