WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
