Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's official drugs can't kill me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
