you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
