my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
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I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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