Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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