The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
