I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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