I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
