I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
