Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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