After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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