just come out here and I will go home with you...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha