i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
