Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
