cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
