just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
