I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
