i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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