we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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