Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
