i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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