69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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