tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
