Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's rum buckets o'clock
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
