she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Shame - the story of my life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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