i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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