i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
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It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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