i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
