New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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