Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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