I think my fart just growled at me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
