I wish I could teleport
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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