honey bunches of taint.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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