I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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