I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
