I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
