I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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