So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
