I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
