your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
