They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
