it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
