this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
