fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
