He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
