soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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