i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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