For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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